CRITIQUE & REVIEWS: DON’T BE A DICK!
Hej Writer,
It’s time for our second talk about critique and reviews, and today I want to address an issue that, sadly, keeps getting worse: How we treat each other when our tastes and opinions differ.
Once upon a time I used to love reading the reviews in The Sunday Times. It was my most precious indulgence as a financially challenged, single mother of five living in the north of Sweden. I’d pick up the thick envelope from my newsagents on Wednesdays (oh, the joys of snail mail) and put it aside for my weekend reading pleasure. Then, on Saturday and Sunday, I’d take my time to enjoy all the different parts (there were so many!), with numerous cups of coffee. Gosh, it was glorious.
Like a character in one of my stories, I was in a bad place at the time. My withering soul craved the kind of nourishment only burns and sarcasm can provide. I would read all the reviews and delight in how deliciously mean – and fabulously funny – some of the reviewers were. In my defence, I was young(ish) and Life was very different back then. The whole world was.
Seriously, Whose Idea Was This?
Sometimes I wonder if there’s widespread confusion regarding the nature of criticism these days. Did someone pass a memo behind my back to say the definition has changed? That it now means something inherently negative?
As a teacher, and teacher trainer, I constantly had to remind my (adult) students about what was expected of them when we did something that required feedback or reviews. Which was most of the time. It was like second nature to them to pick things apart and criticise everything they saw (their own efforts included), but they really struggled to find the positives. Or even to *try* to understand why something may be presented or described the way it was.
Clearly, we generally think of criticism as being mean, as if that is the whole purpose of the critique. And I get it, to a certain extent. There’s not much about the word itself that suggests we’re in for a pleasant surprise. In fact, giving and receiving critique can be so overwhelming to some people it may very well end in hurt feelings and fractured relationships.
Here’s the deal though, for criticism to be useful it has to be beneficial and, ideally, presented in such a way that it can help us grow and improve. Help us make better choices and decisions. Which leads us right back to the person who is dishing it out. The critic.
It’s Really Simple – Just Don’t Be a Dick
If delivered in a thoughtful manner, all criticism can have merit. The key here isn’t so much what you say as how you say it. You don’t have to be a dick to tell someone your honest truth. And you don’t always need to tell them the truth in excruciating detail. You can deliver your “verdict” without shredding their dignity and integrity to pieces. It is also possible to receive criticism without feeling guilt or shame. But both may take some practice and reflection.
Even constructive criticism can trigger some intense defence mechanisms in us, especially when we feel particularly protective of whatever they are criticising. But it doesn’t have to be that way. Our reactions to any kind of feedback that isn’t, “Ohmegerd, you’re the best!” are often linked to negative, or unpleasant, experiences in our past. If you’ve experienced harsh criticism, for example, it may have left a mark on you that makes all criticism seem painful and, potentially, threatening.
On the flip side, our reactions to enthusiastic and positive feedback may very well be disbelief or unease. We may even feel inclined to belittle our efforts and insist that the reviewer must be mistaken. Or just kind. Again, this kind of behaviour is often linked to experiences in our past.
Today, we live in an age of hearts, like buttons, instant reviews, and constant criticism. Too many of us crave positive reinforcement, and all these likes and positive comments may give us that. A kind of artificial approval. If you crave that kind of attention, and attach too much value to the number of likes you get online, any kind of negative feedback can be absolutely soul destroying.
Knowing that most people are afraid to hear something negative can help you deliver critical feedback in better ways. It can also help you stop yourself when you instantly feel guarded and nervous about receiving critique. In both cases, there is a general rule I find helpful: Never act on your first impulse!
Take your time to deconstruct the feeling or opinion you have. It’s not like shellfish or milk, so it won’t go off if you sit on it until you know how to proceed. Until you’ve figured out what you want to say. Nothing good will come out of opinions offered in the heat of the moment. It only makes people more pigheaded and defensive and that’s just a lose-lose situation. Think of what you want to say and how to explain it in a way that is helpful to the person you’re addressing. If you can do better, maybe they will get the message and do better too. How sweet would that be?
I think the main lesson I want you to take from these talks is that criticism can be a very good thing. It can help us level up and become better storytellers. But to get there, we have to work on our insecurities, be open-minded to healthy criticism, and practice giving valuable feedback.
The good news is that it’s easier than you may think once you start taking the person you are addressing into consideration. Try to put yourself in their position for a while. See if you can figure out why they wrote what they wrote before you tell them how you feel about it.
And remember when you do – just don’t be a dick.
Questions of the Day
- What’s the most memorable piece of criticism you’ve ever received – good or bad – and how did it impact your growth as a writer?
- When you give feedback to a fellow writer, how do you balance being honest with being considerate? Do you have any tips or strategies for delivering constructive criticism?
Let’s talk in the comments below, or email me at news@aswewrite.com.
Right, that’s all I had for you today. I hope you found our little talk useful, and would love to hear your feedback.
Tack & hej,
//Linn 🤍